Tag Archives: mystery

In Suspense and Incomplete


I wrote this post a year ago reflecting on what had been three years of living in Nashville. Reading it now it feels almost a bit self-prophetic.

“It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.” (Donald Miller)

Returning home to Nashville after 11 days of traveling earlier this week I was unnerved by my lack of excitement. I couldn’t wait to be home, but for the first time in as long as I can remember my soul wasn’t longing to be back in Nashville.

I walked into my apartment hoping for that “ahhhh, I’m home” feeling. I’m still waiting. I missed my friends, sure, but not in the way I used to. I was glad to be sleeping in my own bed, but that could’ve been in any city. I was happy to be back in the Southern part of this grand country but just so that I could say y’all without getting funny looks and even strangers would be hospitable. But a certain giddiness about returning home was missing.

Is it possible that I’m falling out of love with this city that has been such an instrumental part of my story? That’s a scary question to ask aloud. Because the truth is, I want to be giddy about returning home here. I want it to still feel like home. I want it to be the place where I feel like I belong.

So what do you do when you’re living somewhere between before and not yet? How do you find peace for your soul living in limbo as it senses change coming without a clue what that means or looks like.

Perhaps there is nothing to do but continue living, and waiting for the next step, knowing that you’ve survived leaving before and you can do it again.

“Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Somehow it All Belongs

I used to think it was about balancing all the opposites within me, but slowly I have learned that it is actually “holding” things unreconciled that teaches us – leaving them partly unresolved and without perfect closure or explanation. – Richard Rohr

I love this photo. My cousins & I are on the steps of my great-grandmother’s house. I have no idea what we’re eating, what caught my attention was what I’m wearing. A skirt, dirt marks on my legs, tennis shoes that appear to be a bit muddy, & a necklace to top it off.

I spent much of my life trying to rid myself of paradoxes like that one. To be one way or the other. To fit into this label or that box. But I’ve discovered the freedom that comes from embracing the paradoxes; the grace to be unconventional. 

The very name of this blog is a paradox. Cautious & creative aren’t exactly friends.
But they’re both a part of me.
A northern girl who has found a “long lost,” “meant to be born here” home in the South.
A country girl who comes alive in the bustle of the city.
A grounded girl with a rebellious spirit.
A spreadsheet loving organization junkie with an artist’s heart.
A planner whose soul is a dreamer.
A Type A who thrives on the spontaneous.
Quiet wallflower in a crowd who can talk for hours.
Lover of silence always listening to music.
A “slow life” savoring workaholic.
A homesick lover of travel.
A control freak who loves adventure.

I feel like I live with one foot on the gas & one foot on the brake at all times. But I’m learning that life isn’t about “achieving balance” but about learning to maneuver the tight rope. It’s about leaning into the tension of the paradox knowing that in the Creator’s eyes the opposites belong. 

We may not understand it today…or ever. But some how, in some way, it all belongs.