Tag Archives: doubt

Fear Keeps Me in Check

“What are you afraid of right now?”

I’ve been working on a project for the last few months with three dear friends & that was the question our fearless leader in the group threw out at us the other day.

My answer? Friendships. I’m afraid that this project will eventually kill my friendships with those three individuals. But that hasn’t made me walk away yet. Because even though that is a deeply rooted fear of mine, I still believe some of the most powerful ideas come to life in community. I believe that vision born out of community is perhaps one of the most beautiful creative gifts on the planet. The synergy of relationship, heart, skill, & vision is undeniably powerful. Rooted in bold humility I believe it has the power to be truly life changing in ways we can’t even imagine.

I’ve been trying for the last several months to reconcile that fear & that deeply rooted belief of mine. And honestly, I’ve made next to zero progress. But after voicing that fear with those friends today, I’ve realized that perhaps it’s not about reconciling the fear but about pushing on in spite of it.

The truth is that with the right perspective, fear doesn’t stop me, it simply keeps me in check. 

Do you let your fears stop you? Or do you view them as guardrails to guide you on the journey? 

The Twenty #6 – The Day I Knew God Was Real

God has always been a part of my life. I’ve attended a worship service most Sundays of my 25 and a half years. There have been plenty of other aspects of faith that I have doubted, but the existence of God hasn’t been one of them…yet.

Growing up in the church didn’t necessarily mean that I always had a relationship with God though. And relationship, for me, is what makes God real.

It’s not the big things in my life that convince me that God is real.
It’s the little things.
It’s the fact that He’s in the smallest of details.
It’s the beauty of paradox that always surprises me.
It’s the incredible way that He weaves together experiences and conversations in writing our stories

I can honestly say that God has never felt more real than He does right now in this season. And I’d say that’s become increasingly more true each day since I moved to Nashville. God is more tangible to me than ever. I feel like I can literally see Him at work in my life and the lives of those around me. In my church. In the Church. In the world.

Layers of life experiences merging together, long forgotten threads reemerging to grace the fabric with their brilliant colors, surreal conversations…it all leaves me believing that the Spirit is moving and working, that God is real and He is orchestrating something big on the horizon.

When did you knew God was real? How does He continue to remind you of that?

Ponder…Why You Brought Me Here

As I’ve wrestled with the doubt that inevitably creeps in when you make a major life change over the past couple of months this song has put words to my heart. As the year comes to a close I thought it was fitting to ponder. Because though I still don’t understand all of the reasons, I am constantly reminded of how perfect His plan is.

I know I’d get an answer
That I won’t understand
If I ask that your intentions be made clear
I know Your plans are greater
And in that greater plan
Are the reasons why You brought me here

My story would be different
If it were only mine to write
There are secrets I would never volunteer
But secrets lose their power
When they have no place to hide
Maybe that is why You brought me here

Oh, all I see are the ruins
As the smoke starts to clear
Oh, I hope You know what You’re doin’
‘Cuz You brought me here

It’s a mess of my own making
This I won’t deny
Though the consequences shake my heart with fear
If I was happy with the way things were
I’d give more of a fight
I guess I’m grateful that You brought me here

Oh, all I see are the ruins
As the smoke starts to clear
Oh, I hope You know what You’re doin’
‘Cuz You brought me here

And if it’s hard to raise the white flag
It’s even harder to believe
That surrendering is worth the sacrifice
That the very thing I always feared would be the death of me
Was a way to come alive

Though it hurts to be this broken
It’s bearable some how
As the chance to prove I’m worthy disappears
I always heard You loved me
But I think I know it now
Is that the reason why You brought me here?
I guess I’m grateful that You brought me here.

Lyrics from “The Reasons Why You Brought Me Here” by Jason Gray

Freaking Out and Fighting Doubt

For those of you who think I’m “strong” “inspiring” “courageous” or any other adjectives I’ve heard in the last three months, thank you, truly, but I’m going to burst your bubble…I’m not! I believe in being transparent and authentic…even if that means sharing the less inspiring, uglier sides of life.

I have been freaking out the last couple of days. Doubt, thoughts of giving up, asking myself what I’m thinking, all of it.

I’ve been waiting for the freak out to come since I made the decision to get out the boat. I think part of me, though, was secretly hoping & thinking maybe it wouldn’t come since it hadn’t yet. But, it did this week…big time.

It’s now Friday afternoon and I’m starting to calm down. God has proven once again that He is good, that He loves us, and that He has a plan. He has reminded me in big & small ways over the last couple of days that He’s got this.

But, it’s one thing to know all of that. Believing it with your whole heart & living like you do is a different story. Fear threatens to defeat us every day. So, more than likely I will get up tomorrow and be staring doubt in the face again, ready for another wrestling match. All I know is I’m glad I don’t have fight on my own because I’d lose every time.

Is doubt an unwelcome presence in your life? What do you do when it tries to creep in?