2 months. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve written anything new on here. I’ve created a pressure to write in my head & that’s been looming over me. But every time I sat down to do so, one of two things happened: nothing came out or what did come out just sounded depressing.
I opened up twitter tonight to find this from the one & only Gary Molander:
“Blessed are you who write words from the weariness of your own souls, for in those words, you offer readers a taste of authentic life.”
I was convicted. I haven’t written because the only place I had to offer words from was the weariness of my own soul & I didn’t think that was enough.
But tonight I believe that perhaps it is. And so I write…without answers, without agenda, with an authenticity evidenced by the tears falling onto the keys as I type…with questions offered from a weary soul. A soul that is wondering why friends leave. Why life has to feel so heavy. Why family can’t understand. Why I am suddenly fighting more insecurity than I have…maybe ever. Why community is so hard. Why I can’t bring myself to be vulnerable. Why God can’t work a miracle so I don’t have to fight aching hands & painful joints on a daily basis. Why I feel like I have nothing more to give. Why I can’t just make myself get over it all & be happy.
Why.
Why.
Why.
And in this moment I’m realizing that up to this point I haven’t even had the courage to ask those questions. I’ve been waiting for answers to questions I haven’t been willing to ask. And perhaps asking questions is the first step because it is by its very nature humbling…admitting I don’t know everything…don’t have it all under control.
And although I don’t always get it right, I’ve learned that as long as I try to control this life of mine it’s going to feel out of alignment.
But what next? What do you do when you have more questions than answers? When you’re restless to the point that you’re certain you are going crazy with a soul weary to the point of exhaustion?
I chase the sunset. I listen to music. I go for a drive. I cry. I cry out. And tonight, I write.
Love this part "I’ve learned that as long as I try to control this life of mine it’s going to feel out of alignment."
It's alright to have tons of questions. I believe our God is bigger than all of our questions combined. I think part of the struggle we all face is that this really isn't our home. We are searching and wanting something. I think we really just want to go home.
Thank you for this post, Katie. I have definitely been acquainted with the land of wanting answers to questions you haven't asked. It's like a part of your soul knows what you're aching for, but identifying precisely what that is is sometimes a battle. Not necessarily of figuring it out, but of being willing. And I? I walk. I turn off the noise, including the noise inside my head. Sometimes you don't need to wrestle with the words all at once, you just need to sit with it.