Pain. Physical, aching, nagging pain. The kind that radiates from deep in your bones to every square inch of your body.
Today, I know that pain well. Too well. I’ve been summoned to a wrestling match. The question isn’t whether or not to enter the ring, it’s will I fight or wave the white flag of surrender?
I woke up this morning feeling great. Relatively low pain. Lots of energy. It was looking good for a productive Saturday. But, as the day grew longer so did the pain. And the stiffness. And the swelling. I wince in pain as I make a late lunch & take a deep breath. Right now, my knuckles are two sizes too big & the movement to type this post is straining my fingers.
I force one hand into a closed fist with the other & I see my knuckles, mis-shaped & gnarled by the pain, protruding like jagged mountain peaks from my skin. And I choose to fight. I choose to remember that this pain is shaping me in other ways too. It’s shaping my heart, slowly chipping away at my pride, providing opportunity to choose vulnerability. It’s stripping away a little more of me to make room for a little more of Him. And that, I want. So for this moment, I’ll choose to fight.
What fight is shaping you today?
Refusing to choose Vulnerability…
I think that is where most creatives, myself included, are scared to be. Christians are scared to be there as well. I think you are echoing what Mandy Steward is saying over on her Tumblr here: http://messycanvas.tumblr.com/post/14319496608/pi….
She is choosing to be vulnerable in 2012. I think that is a wonderful move. We need more people like her and yourself Katie. What do you think?
I couldn't agree more, Brian. It's a lesson I've learned…and honestly will probably be re-learning for the rest of my life…that vulnerability is a risk but it results in a life more fully & deeply lived in the end.
It seems Christians these days are all about being "transparent" and that's great, but it can't stop there. There's a difference between transparency & vulnerability. And I'm afraid we've missed that fact.
I certainly don't claim to have it all figured out. I mean it's taken a chronic disease to even make me aware of it & that "thorn in my flesh" to keep me from forgetting it. But I now recognize that I have a choice & I've experienced the reward outweighing the risk enough to choose vulnerability…or at least want to choose it.
I hate watching you live with this pain my sweet friend, but how you choose to fight it day in an day out is a constant encouragement. You are so brave. So courageous. So giving of yourself. He is so evident through you.
i'm sorry for the high pain days… you remain strong and steadfast in the middle of the fight. i learn so much from you.
love you both for your encouragement, sweet friends!